Pirate in a Whorehouse: Q and A

Q: Have you ever been in a whorehouse dressed as a pirate?
A: Depends what you mean by "whorehouse." The word that we use for these kind of venues is NNO's (Naughty Night Out), but thats really part of the Diageo in-house terminology developed to distinguish one type of venue from another. I could go through the nicknames of each type venue but Im pretty sure that that corporate jargon is the kind of intellectual property that fine print somewhere in my contract forbids me from spreading. Its pretty boring anyway.

Q: But it is a whorehouse?
A: Well again, not to be evasive, but what is a whorehouse? I mean there are definitely people just going in there to drink in a KTV room with their friends. Sing some songs. Maybe they hire some of the girls to come into their room and sing and drink with them, but in the end they dont have sex. I think that has to be negotiated on the side. But there is a bedroom attached to each karaoke room, so there definitely whoring happening.

Q: Well lets just say that if there are people paying for sex on the premises then it is a whorehouse.
A: By that rationale most hotels are whorehouses.

Q: Point taken. Where was this?
A: I believe the NNO is called Banquet. Its in XiChang. A third tier city in South SiChuan.

Q: And you were definitely dressed like a pirate.
A: Like the Captain, yes. That is my job.

Q: So at what point do you realize this might be a house of ill-repute?
A: Well from the get-go my handlers tell me that it is an NNO, and I should be a little more cautious. I mean, I can read the signs. The lighting is dimmer than a regular KTV. Theres a little more security. The walls are trimmed with some kind of purple valloor (sp?). The windows on the doors to each room are tinted. Theres a strong smell of some sort of cleaning product that must be made of baby powder, bleach, and cheap womens perfume.

Q: How does someone react when they're with a hooker, and then all of a sudden you burst into their rented room in a pirate suit trying to drink with them? Did you walk in on anyone fucking?
A: Well someone else goes in before me. This place has lots of staff, and a server will knock on the door and go in and ask the guests, I mean, I guess they ask them if they want a special guest to come visit, or something general like that. I don't think they say 'pirate'- "do you want a pirate to come into your room?" Maybe they say 'special entertainment,' I don't know, Im kinda curious.

Q: 'Special entertainment,' might make the customer think it was going to be a hooker on rollerskates or something.
A: (Laughs) Yeah, your right. They probably just say pirate. Anyway, most rooms say yes. 75%.

Q: And are they expecting something like what they get?
A: Oh no, oh god no. I mean first of all, you have to think that the server guy only asked one of the guys in the group. He asked the ringleader, whoevers the oldest and richest, and has the worst teeth. And that guy said yes, but the other guys were busy drinking or talking to women, or in the can, or singing karaoke, and suddenly I come in with some girls and a big ass chest and they don't know what the fuck is up. Their eyes are all red, the room is full of cigarette smoke, maybe a strobe light is on. Someone is singing and I take the mic and introduce myself and start the routine. And and and in response to your previous question about barging in and trying to drink with them- the drinking with them is just a small part of it, we play rock paper scissors, we dance, we take pictures with them, there's a whole package.

Q: Do you ever feel cheap, like youre selling yourself?
A: You mean like the hookers working around me? Is that your implication there? (Laughs) Yeah. Are you kidding? All the time. I mean if your asking do I share just a sliver of the soul crushing burden that these girls have to bear on their job? Nnnnno. I don't think so. I get paid more. I have the option of stopping any time I want. I get to wash the stink off at the end of the night. But there are times. Like one of the rooms that night was just two old fat guys drinking beers. And there were no girls in the room, and they were just like drunk, melted into the couch. And one of them gets a phone call while Im doing my introduction spiel and hes talking in a loud voice to compensate for me talking, and the other guy is totally indifferent to me, and Im just up there trying to keep up character. And he's not into it and Im not into it, and Im just like "why am I here?" Then I just give him an eyepatch and leave.

Q: How do the hookers in XiChang look?
A: Aesthetically? Good. Pretty stylish. Way way nicer than the women who stand on corners in the US. But you have to remember that this is a pretty upscale NNO, especially for XiChang. But I saw maybe 40 girls and there were definitely some that I would have approached had I seen them at a party instead of a brothel.

Q: Have you made any observations about fundamental human behavior from working with drunk people night after night?
A: Yeah, this one-two-three, one-two-three-shoot problem in rock paper scissors is killing us. As a people. We need to just agree that we will shoot on three, and we can end all this awkward fumbling and counting and re-dos. You count one-two, then you shoot on three. Why would shoot gets is own number? If it had its own number, its own beat, then we would say one-two-shoot. Then we would still have the rhythm of three beats. I almost feel like supporters of one-two-three-shoot, are just people who like to wait a little bit after the count of three to see what the other person is playing before they play, but when they get caught cheating they just pretend like they always played that way- like its a school of play that you wait till a beat after three before you play.

Q: You feel real passionate about this rock, paper, scissors thing?
A: Well you know I play a good 100-150 games a night and I constantly run into this problem. But I should say I never cave in. The Captain plays one, two, shoot on three.

Q: Thanks for your time. Good luck.
A: Its been a pleasure.

Jaded

I am on a plane from Shanghai to Chongqing. Chongqing is a- Ive waited all my life to use this word accurately-megalopolis just east of Sichuan province, where I used to live. Its also the city closest to the three gorges damn, and the place where Dean and I ate all that spicy fried bullfrog a couple of years ago. Ok, heres a sidenote: Can anyone else get on a plane without pondering the possibility of their imminent death? Anyway, Im going to be in Chongqing for a week buccaneering after which I will do the same thing in ChengDu and Chongqing. The "second wave," as the boss calls this part of the project, is scheduled on a weekly rotation between those three cities which makes it more work than the first wave, which took place exclusively in Kunming. But considering that the world economy is going to shit, I should probably be appreciative that I have a job at all, rather than being annoyed at having to fly to a new city every week. But I am annoyed, because I have become jaded by having a job that requires me to work only two hours a night. I remember the first time that I got to fly to another city for a show- a trip to GuiYang immortalized in the youtube video "Eli on stage with dancing girl"- and how ebulliant (smug?) I was at the opportunity. Now I no longer get overwhelmed with self satisfaction when I tell someone, "oh, Im just in town for work." Well I get less overwhelmed. Whelmed. I can actually pinpoint the moment that I realized that I was jaded, because it was also the moment that I realized what jaded actually means. Jaded is the state of being both privlidged and cynical. Charlie, a dj friend of mine (who also has a blog that you can check out here: INSERT LINK HERE) and I were doing a show in city near ChengDu, and we were doing the soundcheck that afternoon. Soundcheck is always boring and usually unnecessarily time consuming, and we were sitting on some couches schmoozing with the club owner, waiting on something. The club owner was chainsmoking and offering us drinks, making polite and boring conversation, and we were nodding and smiling and being bored. And I turned to Charlie and said, "god, this is torture." Then I excused myself, and went to the bathroom, where there was an elderly female attendant waiting with a mop to clean up after me. And I thought: I am definitely making more tonight than she makes in a month, and yet being served drinks on the couch is torture? So I guess what Im trying to say is the first step towards not being is ungratious prick is reminding yourself, "at least Im not mopping up piss for a living." The second step is charity, but I havent gotten that far yet.

Order

There is an order to everything. First I put on the felt pants and then, if I have at least a semi-clean one, an undershirt. The undershirt absorbs the sweat but also, I imagine, would make it less visible if my gut were to pop open a button on my white pirate shirt while I was lifting my arms dramatically. The white pirate shirt doesn't go on yet however, its too restrictive. Next I put on two pairs of socks, then the spats (leather leggings), then the boots (which are actually nondescript dress shoes). Its important that I remember to put on the second pair of socks (which I wear because the boots are uncomfortable) before the spats, because once spats are on, I cant really get to my foot because the spats have a flange that covers the shoe area and they reach all the way up to my knee, making it hard to bend. Spats, then shoes. Then comes the white pirate shirt. I tuck it in but don't button the cuffs. When I tuck it in, I am reminded to go pee, because once I knot up the drawstring on the felt pants, its not going to get untied again until after work, no matter how many times my treasure chest bumps into my bladder. Once the shirt is on, I usually do makeup, which for me consists of blackening my beard, soul patch (aka flavor saver), mustache and eye brows with mascara. Blackening the facial hair has surprisingly dramatic effect when coupled with the long curly black wig, which goes on next. Then the bandanna. In the beginning I had a lot of trouble tying the (polka dot) bandanna, because its hard to tie behind my head with the tangled curls of the captains hair (and wearing a dress shirt), especially in a rush situation. Though Ive gotten better at the blind-eye-tie, the wig has gotten rattier and more natted with time, and it takes a minute to get just right. But it is critical that the bandanna be tight, because a large portion of my schtick is taking my hat off and putting it on other people's heads, and if I pull the bandanna off by accident, the wig will come off too, and then the jig is up, so to speak. Then the jacket. The jacket is something to be proud of. Stiff red cloth with a subtle gold inlay, golden trim punctuated with large brass buttons down the chest. When I started they told me it cost 2500 bucks to make it- tailored to fit(!)- and I really relished hearing that. I treat the garment more casually now, but I still feel a transformation when I put it on. The heaviness of the cloth, the way the shoulders poke out, the way it billows around my legs, it reminds me to put on my game face. Sometimes after I put the jacket on, I put on the hat and raise my eyebrow in the mirror a couple times to warm up. Devilish grin, devilish grin. Then I wrap the long red sash around my waist twice and tie it behind me. On top of the sash goes a wide black leather belt into which is tucked a flintlock pistol on the left and a saber on the right. The pistol, wood and metal, is actually an oversized lighter (with no fuel) that lights when the trigger is pulled, and the saber is a plastic costume sword that came with cartoon stickers on the side. The current pistol is in some ways an improvement over the original, which was taken by some drunks in a club. The new one is bigger, which makes it more useful in pictures, but for the same reason, I find it hard to slide on and off of my waist all night. An interesting social observation: if you put give a drunk man a toy gun and try to take a picture with him, he will immediately point the gun at you or at the person who is taking the picture. I used to put the sword on the left and the gun on the right, but I broke several swords lifting my left leg (and bending the plastic too far), which striking the Captains pose requires. The props are really just for looking at anyway, Im prohibited by the Diageo Marketing Code from pointing them at anyone. So instead I give them to other people and get pointed at.

Laziness aside, one of the reasons that I have not mustered a blog in the three weeks since our Captain Morgan launch campaign started is that I don't want this blog to be a chronology of my job. I doubt anyone has much interest in reading something that I have little interest in writing. Now, excuses made, let me dive in with a story:

Last night we had a KTA at a club called Top One. Had a camera-man filming, customers acting drunk and goofy, people wearing eyepatches and dancing on the bar- big success. The boss of the club approaches one of the Morganettes and asks for a fake mustache. She doesn't know that he is the boss, and tells him he can go and play rock paper scissors with the Captain if he wants a prize (thats the structure of our KTA (Keys To Adventure) events- a customer plays rock paper scissors with me, and if they win, they get a key that opens the treasure chest with the prizes in it.) The boss is not having it. He is furious at being treated like a normal customer. "You come to my club to have an event, and you don't know who the fuck I am?" I wasn't there, but Im guessing he got the mustache at that point. Anyway, the boss then calls "the client," i.e. the company (Diageo) that owns captain morgan (its kunming branch), essentially jumping over us (The Loop, who are running this campaign) in the chain of command. The client then contacts Rich (our tour manager) to put out the fire.

Now. Even people who have not heard the Asian concept of face explicitly explained- as 'the external embodiment of ones social status and self-esteem, reinforced though peer recognition,' perhaps- probably understand it already on an intuitive level. Its when the lanky but funny freshman sees the captain of the basketball team fighting with his (cheerleader) girlfriend and says "I guess the only time hes going to score tonight is in our game against Riverview," and everyone laughs. And then later the freshman gets his ass beat, not by just the captain of the team but also some of the people who were laughing.

That bit is to say, I would not have been surprised if the affront to the boss had prompted overreaction. Top One is one of only 2 clubs in China that are selling a lot of Captain Morgan at this point, so the cooperation of the mealy-cheeked, chainsmoking, thinning-longhaired, always-wears-a-suit-two-sizes-too-big-for-him boss is key for this campaign. To rectify his loss of face, the club boss is going to need a healthy serving of apologies and ego stroking, issued by the local Diageo reps, as well as Rich. Having gotten to know Rich relatively well over the course of living together for a month and a half, I didn't expect that he would fire the Morganette, but I was still surprised a how utterly unfazed he was by the whole issue. He was this unfazed: After presumably having been chewed out by the client as well as the club boss, the Morganette called our tour manager, my other roommate Lindsey, to apologize. Lindsey gives to the phone to Rich and he says: "don't worry about it...stop it. its nothing. its nothing. you going out with your friends tonight?... they give receipts at soho? get a receipt. its on me. have a good time." Bam. Very classy.

Captain Morgan Photos

Big Day Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a big big day for Diagio Spirits, The Loop Event Management, Captain Morgan, and by extention, me. It is the launch event for our month-long test marketing campaign in KunMing, and the guests who we will be entertaining are not regular customers, but the bosses of all the clubs in KunMing where we will be throwing our later events, as well as the bosses of Diagio (the largest spirit company in the world), The Loop, and its parent company, Shine, who have all flown in from Shanghai.

Our launch event is a great deal more complicated than the promotional events that we will be holding during the rest of our campaign, and involves 15 performers, a 30 foot inflatable galleon, and a 10 foot tall wooden drawbridge to be lowered down by 4 men at the stroke of 8 when our 4 cannons go off.

I wish I could say that I have been deeply involved in the extensive preparation work that has gone into this event, but my role has been mostly limited to box carrying and light translation. I have had a fair amount of input into the choreography of the Captains entrance moment and subsequent 10 minutes of elbow-swinging, thigh-slapping dancing with the Morganettes, but ultimately the responsibility for the creative element and the show management lie with other members of our team. Though for most of the time our team here will be comprised of myself, a project manager, and a tour manager, for the this event 6 additional workers are on hand to ensure that everything goes off smoothly. Right now three of them are scampering around, taking inventory of the 65 or so boxes of lighters, pirate hats, crowns, glasses, t-shirts, eyepatches, tatoos, ice trays, lamps, mixing pitchers, platters, beads, keys, hooks, mustaches, posters, flags, compases. table cloths, dice cups, costumes, and bottles of rum which are stacked all over my living room.

Across the table from me, another team member is splicing together various clips of pirate music for the show tomorrow. In that respect, I was somewhat helpful, helping sift through the various pirate themed artists on the world wide web- the most interesting to me being Captain Dan and the Scurvy Crew, whose pirate rap stands alone. http://www.myspace.com/captaindan

Am I nervous? Good question. On the one hand, it is hard not to be a little bit nervous, when people are constantly reminding you what a huge opportunity for market expansion this campaign represents, how important this event is to the campaign, and how crucial the Captain Morgan character is to the success of this event. On the other hand, it is hard to stay nervous when my job is so easy and fun. Fret as I might, I find it hard to conjure a disaster scenario. Essentially, I am expected mount a stage, strike a pose, say 6 sentences in english, dance with some girls for 10 minutes, walk around a bar playing rock paper sissors for 45 minutes, then leave- all without embarassing myself or the brand. So, I understand that they want me to be rested for my big performance tomrrow, but I did protest at the suggestions that I should go to bed by midnight tonight. After all, my performance is from 9 to 10 tomorrow night. I think Ill be able to keep my eyes open for it. It is sure to be a memorable event, and I expect will produce some amusing photos. Stay tuned.

My Dawg Is Blowing Up!

Check out this record by my cousin Mike Posner. Tell me this aint a hit! I dare you!