Eli Sweet is a Pirate

Pirate in a Whorehouse: Q and A

2009-03-06T04:14:00.000-08:00

Q: Have you ever been in a whorehouse dressed as a pirate?
A: Depends what you mean by "whorehouse." The word that we use for these kind of venues is NNO's (Naughty Night Out), but thats really part of the Diageo in-house terminology developed to distinguish one type of venue from another. I could go through the nicknames of each type venue but Im pretty sure that that corporate jargon is the kind of intellectual property that fine print somewhere in my contract forbids me from spreading. Its pretty boring anyway.

Q: But it is a whorehouse?
A: Well again, not to be evasive, but what is a whorehouse? I mean there are definitely people just going in there to drink in a KTV room with their friends. Sing some songs. Maybe they hire some of the girls to come into their room and sing and drink with them, but in the end they dont have sex. I think that has to be negotiated on the side. But there is a bedroom attached to each karaoke room, so there definitely whoring happening.

Q: Well lets just say that if there are people paying for sex on the premises then it is a whorehouse.
A: By that rationale most hotels are whorehouses.

Q: Point taken. Where was this?
A: I believe the NNO is called Banquet. Its in XiChang. A third tier city in South SiChuan.

Q: And you were definitely dressed like a pirate.
A: Like the Captain, yes. That is my job.

Q: So at what point do you realize this might be a house of ill-repute?
A: Well from the get-go my handlers tell me that it is an NNO, and I should be a little more cautious. I mean, I can read the signs. The lighting is dimmer than a regular KTV. Theres a little more security. The walls are trimmed with some kind of purple valloor (sp?). The windows on the doors to each room are tinted. Theres a strong smell of some sort of cleaning product that must be made of baby powder, bleach, and cheap womens perfume.

Q: How does someone react when they're with a hooker, and then all of a sudden you burst into their rented room in a pirate suit trying to drink with them? Did you walk in on anyone fucking?
A: Well someone else goes in before me. This place has lots of staff, and a server will knock on the door and go in and ask the guests, I mean, I guess they ask them if they want a special guest to come visit, or something general like that. I don't think they say 'pirate'- "do you want a pirate to come into your room?" Maybe they say 'special entertainment,' I don't know, Im kinda curious.

Q: 'Special entertainment,' might make the customer think it was going to be a hooker on rollerskates or something.
A: (Laughs) Yeah, your right. They probably just say pirate. Anyway, most rooms say yes. 75%.

Q: And are they expecting something like what they get?
A: Oh no, oh god no. I mean first of all, you have to think that the server guy only asked one of the guys in the group. He asked the ringleader, whoevers the oldest and richest, and has the worst teeth. And that guy said yes, but the other guys were busy drinking or talking to women, or in the can, or singing karaoke, and suddenly I come in with some girls and a big ass chest and they don't know what the fuck is up. Their eyes are all red, the room is full of cigarette smoke, maybe a strobe light is on. Someone is singing and I take the mic and introduce myself and start the routine. And and and in response to your previous question about barging in and trying to drink with them- the drinking with them is just a small part of it, we play rock paper scissors, we dance, we take pictures with them, there's a whole package.

Q: Do you ever feel cheap, like youre selling yourself?
A: You mean like the hookers working around me? Is that your implication there? (Laughs) Yeah. Are you kidding? All the time. I mean if your asking do I share just a sliver of the soul crushing burden that these girls have to bear on their job? Nnnnno. I don't think so. I get paid more. I have the option of stopping any time I want. I get to wash the stink off at the end of the night. But there are times. Like one of the rooms that night was just two old fat guys drinking beers. And there were no girls in the room, and they were just like drunk, melted into the couch. And one of them gets a phone call while Im doing my introduction spiel and hes talking in a loud voice to compensate for me talking, and the other guy is totally indifferent to me, and Im just up there trying to keep up character. And he's not into it and Im not into it, and Im just like "why am I here?" Then I just give him an eyepatch and leave.

Q: How do the hookers in XiChang look?
A: Aesthetically? Good. Pretty stylish. Way way nicer than the women who stand on corners in the US. But you have to remember that this is a pretty upscale NNO, especially for XiChang. But I saw maybe 40 girls and there were definitely some that I would have approached had I seen them at a party instead of a brothel.

Q: Have you made any observations about fundamental human behavior from working with drunk people night after night?
A: Yeah, this one-two-three, one-two-three-shoot problem in rock paper scissors is killing us. As a people. We need to just agree that we will shoot on three, and we can end all this awkward fumbling and counting and re-dos. You count one-two, then you shoot on three. Why would shoot gets is own number? If it had its own number, its own beat, then we would say one-two-shoot. Then we would still have the rhythm of three beats. I almost feel like supporters of one-two-three-shoot, are just people who like to wait a little bit after the count of three to see what the other person is playing before they play, but when they get caught cheating they just pretend like they always played that way- like its a school of play that you wait till a beat after three before you play.

Q: You feel real passionate about this rock, paper, scissors thing?
A: Well you know I play a good 100-150 games a night and I constantly run into this problem. But I should say I never cave in. The Captain plays one, two, shoot on three.

Q: Thanks for your time. Good luck.
A: Its been a pleasure.

Jaded

2009-02-10T03:09:00.000-08:00

I am on a plane from Shanghai to Chongqing. Chongqing is a- Ive waited all my life to use this word accurately-megalopolis just east of Sichuan province, where I used to live. Its also the city closest to the three gorges damn, and the place where Dean and I ate all that spicy fried bullfrog a couple of years ago. Ok, heres a sidenote: Can anyone else get on a plane without pondering the possibility of their imminent death? Anyway, Im going to be in Chongqing for a week buccaneering after which I will do the same thing in ChengDu and Chongqing. The "second wave," as the boss calls this part of the project, is scheduled on a weekly rotation between those three cities which makes it more work than the first wave, which took place exclusively in Kunming. But considering that the world economy is going to shit, I should probably be appreciative that I have a job at all, rather than being annoyed at having to fly to a new city every week. But I am annoyed, because I have become jaded by having a job that requires me to work only two hours a night. I remember the first time that I got to fly to another city for a show- a trip to GuiYang immortalized in the youtube video "Eli on stage with dancing girl"- and how ebulliant (smug?) I was at the opportunity. Now I no longer get overwhelmed with self satisfaction when I tell someone, "oh, Im just in town for work." Well I get less overwhelmed. Whelmed. I can actually pinpoint the moment that I realized that I was jaded, because it was also the moment that I realized what jaded actually means. Jaded is the state of being both privlidged and cynical. Charlie, a dj friend of mine (who also has a blog that you can check out here: INSERT LINK HERE) and I were doing a show in city near ChengDu, and we were doing the soundcheck that afternoon. Soundcheck is always boring and usually unnecessarily time consuming, and we were sitting on some couches schmoozing with the club owner, waiting on something. The club owner was chainsmoking and offering us drinks, making polite and boring conversation, and we were nodding and smiling and being bored. And I turned to Charlie and said, "god, this is torture." Then I excused myself, and went to the bathroom, where there was an elderly female attendant waiting with a mop to clean up after me. And I thought: I am definitely making more tonight than she makes in a month, and yet being served drinks on the couch is torture? So I guess what Im trying to say is the first step towards not being is ungratious prick is reminding yourself, "at least Im not mopping up piss for a living." The second step is charity, but I havent gotten that far yet.

Order

2008-12-26T02:03:00.000-08:00

There is an order to everything. First I put on the felt pants and then, if I have at least a semi-clean one, an undershirt. The undershirt absorbs the sweat but also, I imagine, would make it less visible if my gut were to pop open a button on my white pirate shirt while I was lifting my arms dramatically. The white pirate shirt doesn't go on yet however, its too restrictive. Next I put on two pairs of socks, then the spats (leather leggings), then the boots (which are actually nondescript dress shoes). Its important that I remember to put on the second pair of socks (which I wear because the boots are uncomfortable) before the spats, because once spats are on, I cant really get to my foot because the spats have a flange that covers the shoe area and they reach all the way up to my knee, making it hard to bend. Spats, then shoes. Then comes the white pirate shirt. I tuck it in but don't button the cuffs. When I tuck it in, I am reminded to go pee, because once I knot up the drawstring on the felt pants, its not going to get untied again until after work, no matter how many times my treasure chest bumps into my bladder. Once the shirt is on, I usually do makeup, which for me consists of blackening my beard, soul patch (aka flavor saver), mustache and eye brows with mascara. Blackening the facial hair has surprisingly dramatic effect when coupled with the long curly black wig, which goes on next. Then the bandanna. In the beginning I had a lot of trouble tying the (polka dot) bandanna, because its hard to tie behind my head with the tangled curls of the captains hair (and wearing a dress shirt), especially in a rush situation. Though Ive gotten better at the blind-eye-tie, the wig has gotten rattier and more natted with time, and it takes a minute to get just right. But it is critical that the bandanna be tight, because a large portion of my schtick is taking my hat off and putting it on other people's heads, and if I pull the bandanna off by accident, the wig will come off too, and then the jig is up, so to speak. Then the jacket. The jacket is something to be proud of. Stiff red cloth with a subtle gold inlay, golden trim punctuated with large brass buttons down the chest. When I started they told me it cost 2500 bucks to make it- tailored to fit(!)- and I really relished hearing that. I treat the garment more casually now, but I still feel a transformation when I put it on. The heaviness of the cloth, the way the shoulders poke out, the way it billows around my legs, it reminds me to put on my game face. Sometimes after I put the jacket on, I put on the hat and raise my eyebrow in the mirror a couple times to warm up. Devilish grin, devilish grin. Then I wrap the long red sash around my waist twice and tie it behind me. On top of the sash goes a wide black leather belt into which is tucked a flintlock pistol on the left and a saber on the right. The pistol, wood and metal, is actually an oversized lighter (with no fuel) that lights when the trigger is pulled, and the saber is a plastic costume sword that came with cartoon stickers on the side. The current pistol is in some ways an improvement over the original, which was taken by some drunks in a club. The new one is bigger, which makes it more useful in pictures, but for the same reason, I find it hard to slide on and off of my waist all night. An interesting social observation: if you put give a drunk man a toy gun and try to take a picture with him, he will immediately point the gun at you or at the person who is taking the picture. I used to put the sword on the left and the gun on the right, but I broke several swords lifting my left leg (and bending the plastic too far), which striking the Captains pose requires. The props are really just for looking at anyway, Im prohibited by the Diageo Marketing Code from pointing them at anyone. So instead I give them to other people and get pointed at.

2008-10-19T06:01:00.000-07:00

Laziness aside, one of the reasons that I have not mustered a blog in the three weeks since our Captain Morgan launch campaign started is that I don't want this blog to be a chronology of my job. I doubt anyone has much interest in reading something that I have little interest in writing. Now, excuses made, let me dive in with a story:

Last night we had a KTA at a club called Top One. Had a camera-man filming, customers acting drunk and goofy, people wearing eyepatches and dancing on the bar- big success. The boss of the club approaches one of the Morganettes and asks for a fake mustache. She doesn't know that he is the boss, and tells him he can go and play rock paper scissors with the Captain if he wants a prize (thats the structure of our KTA (Keys To Adventure) events- a customer plays rock paper scissors with me, and if they win, they get a key that opens the treasure chest with the prizes in it.) The boss is not having it. He is furious at being treated like a normal customer. "You come to my club to have an event, and you don't know who the fuck I am?" I wasn't there, but Im guessing he got the mustache at that point. Anyway, the boss then calls "the client," i.e. the company (Diageo) that owns captain morgan (its kunming branch), essentially jumping over us (The Loop, who are running this campaign) in the chain of command. The client then contacts Rich (our tour manager) to put out the fire.

Now. Even people who have not heard the Asian concept of face explicitly explained- as 'the external embodiment of ones social status and self-esteem, reinforced though peer recognition,' perhaps- probably understand it already on an intuitive level. Its when the lanky but funny freshman sees the captain of the basketball team fighting with his (cheerleader) girlfriend and says "I guess the only time hes going to score tonight is in our game against Riverview," and everyone laughs. And then later the freshman gets his ass beat, not by just the captain of the team but also some of the people who were laughing.

That bit is to say, I would not have been surprised if the affront to the boss had prompted overreaction. Top One is one of only 2 clubs in China that are selling a lot of Captain Morgan at this point, so the cooperation of the mealy-cheeked, chainsmoking, thinning-longhaired, always-wears-a-suit-two-sizes-too-big-for-him boss is key for this campaign. To rectify his loss of face, the club boss is going to need a healthy serving of apologies and ego stroking, issued by the local Diageo reps, as well as Rich. Having gotten to know Rich relatively well over the course of living together for a month and a half, I didn't expect that he would fire the Morganette, but I was still surprised a how utterly unfazed he was by the whole issue. He was this unfazed: After presumably having been chewed out by the client as well as the club boss, the Morganette called our tour manager, my other roommate Lindsey, to apologize. Lindsey gives to the phone to Rich and he says: "don't worry about it...stop it. its nothing. its nothing. you going out with your friends tonight?... they give receipts at soho? get a receipt. its on me. have a good time." Bam. Very classy.

Captain Morgan Photos

2008-10-01T12:11:00.000-07:00

Big Day Tomorrow

2008-09-27T10:15:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is a big big day for Diagio Spirits, The Loop Event Management, Captain Morgan, and by extention, me. It is the launch event for our month-long test marketing campaign in KunMing, and the guests who we will be entertaining are not regular customers, but the bosses of all the clubs in KunMing where we will be throwing our later events, as well as the bosses of Diagio (the largest spirit company in the world), The Loop, and its parent company, Shine, who have all flown in from Shanghai.

Our launch event is a great deal more complicated than the promotional events that we will be holding during the rest of our campaign, and involves 15 performers, a 30 foot inflatable galleon, and a 10 foot tall wooden drawbridge to be lowered down by 4 men at the stroke of 8 when our 4 cannons go off.

I wish I could say that I have been deeply involved in the extensive preparation work that has gone into this event, but my role has been mostly limited to box carrying and light translation. I have had a fair amount of input into the choreography of the Captains entrance moment and subsequent 10 minutes of elbow-swinging, thigh-slapping dancing with the Morganettes, but ultimately the responsibility for the creative element and the show management lie with other members of our team. Though for most of the time our team here will be comprised of myself, a project manager, and a tour manager, for the this event 6 additional workers are on hand to ensure that everything goes off smoothly. Right now three of them are scampering around, taking inventory of the 65 or so boxes of lighters, pirate hats, crowns, glasses, t-shirts, eyepatches, tatoos, ice trays, lamps, mixing pitchers, platters, beads, keys, hooks, mustaches, posters, flags, compases. table cloths, dice cups, costumes, and bottles of rum which are stacked all over my living room.

Across the table from me, another team member is splicing together various clips of pirate music for the show tomorrow. In that respect, I was somewhat helpful, helping sift through the various pirate themed artists on the world wide web- the most interesting to me being Captain Dan and the Scurvy Crew, whose pirate rap stands alone. http://www.myspace.com/captaindan

Am I nervous? Good question. On the one hand, it is hard not to be a little bit nervous, when people are constantly reminding you what a huge opportunity for market expansion this campaign represents, how important this event is to the campaign, and how crucial the Captain Morgan character is to the success of this event. On the other hand, it is hard to stay nervous when my job is so easy and fun. Fret as I might, I find it hard to conjure a disaster scenario. Essentially, I am expected mount a stage, strike a pose, say 6 sentences in english, dance with some girls for 10 minutes, walk around a bar playing rock paper sissors for 45 minutes, then leave- all without embarassing myself or the brand. So, I understand that they want me to be rested for my big performance tomrrow, but I did protest at the suggestions that I should go to bed by midnight tonight. After all, my performance is from 9 to 10 tomorrow night. I think Ill be able to keep my eyes open for it. It is sure to be a memorable event, and I expect will produce some amusing photos. Stay tuned.

My Dawg Is Blowing Up!

2008-09-21T07:03:00.000-07:00

Check out this record by my cousin Mike Posner. Tell me this aint a hit! I dare you!
Cooler Than Me ft Big Sean - Mike Posner & The Brain Trust

Training With The Captain

2008-09-18T07:48:00.000-07:00

My training with the international captain went as well as I could have hoped. This guy is the top dog in the Captain Morgan impersonator pyramid, and he carries himself like he knows it. It would have been difficult for him to rub me the wrong way faster than with his first words- “wheres this kid from, Alabama or something?” – but it was suggested to me later that perhaps the captain was intentionally noogieing me to test my temper, and that may have been the case. Captain Dave arrived in KunMing with the directors of Diagio Shanghai and I tried to impress them by throwing around all of the acronyms and marketing jargon that I had absorbed so far. One thing I will say is that, despite my strong impulse to make fun of someone who takes playing a pirate so seriously, it is clear that the success that Captain Dave has had- and by extension that the brand has had- has a lot to do with the sincerity that he brings to the role. We sipped cappuccinos and discussed whether it was appropriate to use “argh.” I thought that it would seem too cliche, but apparently it is ok in moderate doses. Captain Dave’s visit culminated in his performance at a KTA (Keys To Adventure- the name of the branded events that we will be holding over the course of the launch) event to show me how it is done. Standardization has been key to franchising the Captain Morgan persona in different markets (Captain Dave has trained hundreds of lesser captains across the world), and I paid close attention at the KTA, following the captain throughout the club, noting his bodily language and facial expressions. After the show, as the captain was walking back to the van, dissecting the advantages and shortcomings of the venue, I approached him eagerly, offering my observations, “the booty bump was very successful, so was the kiss on the hand. It was also very well received when you put your hat with the customers…”

I have learned a few other things recently. 1. Diarrhea + squat toilet = great calf workout. 2. It dims my hope in the future of american-chinese relations when I see and an American shouting “Mp3, Mp3, sell me a goddamn Mp3,” to a confused Walmart sales associate.

In explaining my job in KunMing to my friends and family at home, one of the catchphrases that I often used was "in addition to the performing component, I will be doing some marketing and events management work," to make it seem like my job would be something more dignified and challenging than just dressing up in a pirate outfit (note from Captain Dave: “The Captain’s clothing is to be referred to as a uniform, never as a costume.”) One thing that has become clear to me over the past couple of days is that this was a total lie, and that the responsibility of managing the smooth execution of our events and marketing strategy lies wholly with my roommate and project manager, Rich. It is also clear to me now, that not only am I not responsible for doing that for this project, but that I would not have been able to do it had I been expected to, and that I significantly underestimated the complexity of what managing a project like this entails. Take for instance power supply- one of the details that has kept Rich on the phone all day- there is not enough of it in The Fennel Bar (funny name right?), where we are throwing our product launch kickoff extravaganza. They have a capacity of about 5 megawatts. We have one spotlight that requires 5 megawatts. So, some kind of powertruck is going to have to be finagled. But that is just the tip of the iceberg. There is the contracted to be signed with the local distributor, the contracts to be signed with the bar owners, the contract to be signed with the merchandise provider, the contract to be signed with the outdoor advertisers, and we need to make sure that the giant inflatable galleon being fabricated for the opening resembles an actually galleon and not a toyish interpretation of one.

Watching him jump back and forth between his three phones has made me feel a bit lazy compared with Rich. I told him the other day, “Im sorry that your job is so hard and mine is so easy.” He got very serious and said, “The captain and his affect on the customers is key to the success of this campaign, your job is very very important.” “No, I know my job is just as important as yours Rich, mine is just a fuckload easier.”

Arrival in KunMing

2008-09-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

Today I arrived in Kunming to begin preparation for my work as Captain Morgan in the product launch campaign for South West China. Some of the specifics of my responsibilities and notably, what I will be paid for my work had not been made entirely clear to me, but, given my faith in the staff of the company organizing this project, I put these reservations aside. My attitude upon arrival was one of optimism. In the airport in KunMing I met up with Hafsa and Rich. Hafsa is a half Portugese half Pakistani performer raised in Hongkong who performs as well as works in the office of Diagio, the largest distillery in the world (umbrella company for Captain Morgans, Bailys, J and B, Johny Walker, Tangery, etc). Hafsa was in town- for 24 hours- to help with the training of the Morganettes, my attractive assitants in the product launch campaign event, but Rich, an independent tour manager hired by Diagio to assist with this campaign would be my handler and roommate for the course of the project. They took me to the apartment where Rich and I will be staying- along with another events manager from Diagio- for the next 3 and a half months while Captain Morgan makes his debut, bringing cheeky irreverence and dark rum to the Chinese market. The apartment is a clean three bedroom with a large living room, and wooden couches but with nice views of KunMing. After settling in, and unloading a large amount of props for our upcoming shows- treasure chest, captain morgan costume, prizes and fold out cardboard displays, we ate lunch and headed over to the clubs street, where at 4pm we began the training of the morganettes- the local females who will acompany me in the KTA (key to adventure) promotional events that we will be holding (aproximately 45 of them) between now and december. First of all, it seems sort of flimsy for the largest distributer of spirits in the world to have a marketing campaign that requires promoter and performers to transport boxes and boxes of crap from one city to another by airplane, and store them in their house in order to facilitate a key expansion into a new market. But it reveals and interesting fact about foreign beverage companies trying to penetrate the Chinese market: there is no establised industry capable of executing these marketing plans, so it has to be engineered by adventurous foriegners with wheels and tape and elbowgreese and confidence. In fact, the seeming haphazardness of the whole affair belies an integrated global marketing strategy involving media advertizing as well as ground level events designed to generate brand engagement and commitment with new Chinese consumers.

So we met the Moganettes, seven cute local Chinese girls with some background in club promotions or dancing. Though I was a bit surprised that the debriefing of the upcoming seres of promotional activities by Hafsa consisted of an off-the-cuff explanation of the event, I was gratified- as well as challanged- by being asked to translate the procedings to the local girls. I managed to do so quickly and smoothly, if lacking some nuance. Afterwards we surveyed the areas surrounding the bars for advertising sites for the campaign.

Being unable to find a cab at 6pm- because that is aparantly not only rush hour, but the time when cab drivers in KunMing change shifts- I walked back to the apartment with Rich, gradually losing patience with the ordeal. My independent side was a bit irked when Rich would grab my arm to pull me out of the way of passing traffic, but I resisted the urge to make some idignant remark about how I didn’t need a baby sitter.

Back at the apartment I tried on the Captain Morgan costume for the first time, a sophisticated ensemble that aparantly cost 2000 dollars to have tailor made in New York- making it the most expensive outfit that I have ever possessed. Im not exactly sure how the sash and the polka dot bandana fit into the equation, but tomorrow, when the international Captain Morgan arrives in town to demonstrate the role, I should be educated on the finer points. I have to admit that I did feel a swelling of pride staring out the window at the city with my frilly shirt and leather boots.

When Jason, one of the higher-ups in the Diagio system got to KunMing, Rich and I went out and had a nice dinner with he and some of the local technictions that will be helping with our upcoming shows. My only complaint is that everyone smokes constantly, and I am not a big fan of second hand smoke.

Following dinner, Jason, Hafsa and I went out for a drink, first at the Speakeasy, a hip underground (literaly underground) club where Jason beat me in pool and I called him a cunt in the friendly way that (I imagine) british people throw insults at each other, and then at a jazz club where we had heard there was a virtuoso piano player performing. Jason, being the senior man at Diagio, bought us a bottle of vodka, and after an amazing first set by the jazz trio comprising of a keyboard player, a bassist and a drum player, we settled into conversation with the group, who hails from Argentina and has been performing in China for a year through a contract with Soho, a company that owns a successful chain of clubs all over China. Incedentally, Soho has close ties with Diagio- many of their clubs are contracted to buy our liquor- and we had a fruitful discussion about the music scene in KunMing versus other Chinese cities, as well as the joyous privilige of being able to make a steady living playing music. Hafsa and I offered the fact that we sing and rap, respectively, and the group invited us to come up on stage and perform with them, since their sets are largely inprovised. After a few more drinks we got on stage with them and had a beautiful jam session, shifing the focus seamlessly between the various performers. We parted ways promising to cross paths again, since one of our slated performance venues is the Chinese pop club below the jazz lounge where they were performing. It was a very promising start to my adventure here in KunMing.

Earthquake Summary #2

2008-08-24T23:21:00.000-07:00

Three days after the earthquake here in SiChuan, I started to feel that the fear among the residents of ChengDu was beginning to exceed what the ongoing threat justified. The aftershocks during the second night were very slight, but many people continued to camp outside on the third night, primarily due to fears that aftershocks would lead to building collapses, (though some were people that had migrated into ChengDu from harder hit areas.) These fears were partially fueled by rumors that circulated via text message on the third day that there would be powerful aftershocks that night. These are not the only rumors that have been circulating. On the second day there was a rumor that two chemical plants near DuJiangYan had exploded, poisoning ChengDu's water supply. The rumor that the city's water was going to be cut off in a matter of hours prompted huge public distress and commotion. People crowded and pushed into every available store and bought up all of the water for sale. They did leave most of the Gatorade and apple juice however, and I bought a few bottles just in case. Later in the afternoon, China Mobile customers like myself received a text message from the Disaster Relief Bureau discrediting the rumor. The Disaster Relief Bureau has been helpful in passing along information via text messaging, letting me know when gas service in the city was going to be resumed, and informing me when each of the the provincial motorways had been fixed and reopened. However, it is impossible to keep up with the speed of the rumor mill.

To the North of ChengDu, where one of my friends attends a music university, students and teachers have been fleeing from the campus because of a rumor that SiChuan is going to be quarantined because of the outbreak of some untreatable illness. The rumor is that travel in and out of SiChuan is going to be shut down immediately, the implication being that we will all be left to face certain demise, I suppose. I have yet to see any reliable information regarding this rumor, but Im quite sure it is groundless.

That was my feeling after three days. The paranoia lingering around the city was frustrating because it slowed everything down, but understandable considering how deeply the discovery our seismological complacency had effected people, and even strangely touching when it resulted in my friends bombarding me with messages of concern. I started writing a 2nd earthquake update to send to my friends and family at home but after typing- "for the most part none of the people in the city of ChengDu experienced much real danger," I ran out of things to say and put the email aside." The next day my buddy Leif from Atlanta came to ChengDu, and I was prepared for the situation in ChengDu to continue its gradual slide back towards normality. Yesterday was a step in the other direction however.

I got a call from a Chinese friend of mine at about 730pm asking me to come to ChengDu's central (TianFu) square at 8 to assist in a project to collect candles for the victims of the earthquake. I was a bit confused about the purpose, but Leif and I showed up anyway with plastic bags in hand ready to help. There were about 10,000 people in the square. That is a total guess, but needless to say, the 88368 square meters of the park were thronged packs of Chinese people enthusiastically chanting and waving flags. It looked something like this: http://youtube.com/watch?v=pvUUlNHC0A4&feature=related , though that video was taken at three in the afternoon, at the ceremony marking the beginning of the a three day period of morning (Leif and I had wondered about the reasons for the sirens we had heard), and the atmosphere in the evening was much less restrained. The ocean of pumping fists overlooked by the 25 foot Mao statue at the edge of the square would surely have seemed an ominous sight for many Americans who fear China's accent to global superpower status, but despite the nationalistic undertones of the gathering, the mood remained cordial. One Chinese girl approached Leif, and after ascertaining that he was from America said, in impeccable English "I cant tell you how moving it is for me to have you here with us during this special time."

Amidst the chanting crowd, there was any army of volunteers working frantically to collect the discarded candles and candle wax puddling on the ground in plastic bags. I do not understand whether the collected wax was to be recycled and used to aid the victims of the quake somehow, or if it was simply an effort to keep the stone floor of the square clean, but I do know that my friend was yelling into her walky talky when I found her and we were quickly dispatched to a corner of the square where we got down on our knees and using keys and ID cards scraped wax with the single-minded earnestness that comes with participating in something much larger than yourself.

After a week filled with idle time and feelings of guilt and helplessness at my inability to do much for the relief effort, I confess to feeling a bit proud when our large sack of collected wax was received with cheers and a chorus of "thank you"s by our Chinese counterparts. Good deed for the day accomplished, Leif and I met up with a friend, and headed off to meet up with another. In the car, my friend Andrew received the first call. Ironically, we had just had a few drinks and were in the midst of mocking the persisting public hysteria about aftershocks when the call came. Andrew rolled his eyes, repeating the typical warning out loud as it was conveyed to him, "aftershock warning... sometime tonight or tomorrow... 6.0 to 7.0 in power... wait, it was reported on TV?!"

Aparently, the news in ChongQing reported last night that there was likely going to be an earthquake last night or today in the ChongQing area, and among the unnerved ChengDu populace, such warnings are not taken lightly. By the time that we arrived at our destination, the street was congested with cars, and the sidewalks full of people camping supplies, abandoning their homes for the safety of the great outdoors.

The contrarian that I am, I argued with my friend that we were safe in his apartment- despite the cracks in the walls- because his building was built recently, and none of the 20+ aftershocks of 6.0+ since the initial quake had caused buildings in ChengDu to collapse. Though we were all aware of the possibility that we might be overreacting, the constant phone calls from our friends pleading for us to be safe eventually led us to head outside to the public plaza nearby. I conceded that I would not want "he didn't listen to caution" to be engraved on my tombstone.

So we waited it out in the plaza till 3am, trading stories and musing on the situation. As I said then, my problem with the situation is this: there is no immediate foreseeable resolution. If an aftershock does come, then people will be on edge waiting for the next one to arrive; if an aftershock does not come, then people will continue to wait for the predicted one to occur. At about 2, Andrew got hold of a wireless Internet network (bless this technological world) and we were reading a New York Times article about the panic in ChengDu hours after being surrounded by it. The line "it is not clear on what basis this prediction was made," elicited a chuckle from the group, and shortly after we we're disbanding, heading back to our respective homes. Leif and I slept soundly and today, after rising, were informed that no aftershocks had occurred, though we should stay wary of potential tremors over the next few days.

In observance of the 3 days of morning for quake victims, I witnessed something that I never expected to see in China today: a prohibition on playing computer games at Chinese internet cafes- probably the single most popular leisure activity in China. Entertainment venues are closed, and Leif is probably not going to get a chance to visit the panda research base outside of the city, but ChengDu remains, unscathed.

PS. The earthquake predicted by the ChongQing TV station was said to threaten a fault line near ChongQing, significantly farther from ChengDu than that of the original quake. So please don't be consumed by worry for the people of ChengDu, we are safe- far safer than the refugees and the rescue workers in proximity to the epicenter.

Earthquake Summary #1

2008-08-24T23:20:00.001-07:00

To briefly recount my experience,

I had just left my 35 story apartment building yesterday afternoon at 245 when I saw a crowd of people running frantically down an alleyway toward me. I was sauntering along to some bass-heavy hiphop music at the time, and didn't realize that the the ground was shaking until I saw the throng of people running. Comical though it seems, my first thought was that the crowd was running towards something, like the ice cream truck, or maybe a truck distributing something valueble on a first-come first-served basis. As the tremor intensified I realized that it was an earthquake, and I turned back to look at my apartment, which was swaying dramatically. The apartment is actually two buildings that rest flush against eachother and they were separating and banging into eachother at the seam. Plaster dust was billowing and people were screaming. The ground was vibrating for about 90 seconds, and the sensation was somewhat like being in an inflatable "moonwalk" with kids bouncing around you. After the ground stopped shaking, catching a cab was out of the question, so I walked to meet a couple of people I was planning to see. For the rest of the afternoon, no one was allowed back inside any buildings, for fear of aftershocks, and subsequently, the streets of ChengDu were packed with people. Although some people were clearly unnerved by the event, the overall atmosphere on the street was very orderly. People filled up parks, laid out newspapers on the ground, and played cards. Traffic police directed cars on busy corners. Security guards stood at apartment gates to keep people from reentering. Recylers walked through the crowds of people collecting empty bottles. Although power went out in some places, it remained on throughout most of ChengDu (as did water), and the damage to buildings seemed mostly cosmetic. Having in the past poked fun at high-speed Chinese construction for being poor quaility, I must profess a newfound confidence. No buildings collapsed in ChengDu, which is a reassuring fact. In the future, I will save my jests- good enough to withstand a 7.9 earthquake is good enough for me! Of course one of the reasons that no buildings collapsed in ChengDu is that it is an extremely flat city, so the building foundations here have more stability then those built in the mountains around the city. The bad luck of people to the north of ChengDu is compouned by the lower building standards in rural areas as well as their proximity to the epicenter.

Since I couldn't get back into my house, I walked to SiChuan University campus, where I go to school. I found a group of foriegn classmates congregated on the soccer field among hundreds of other students and faculty. Some people brought tents, and most others had blankets or bamboo mats to sit on. Most people were resolved to the notion of sleeping outside, and luckily it was a warm night. The stadium lights at the soccer field were turned on, and people mingled about durring the evening relating information (mostly about when the next aftershocks were predicted) and trying to use their cell phones with little success. Some people crowded around laptops, watching movies or looking for news online. I was impressed that most of the information that I heard about predicted aftershocks turned out to be accurrate. The most notable aftershocks came at 7 in the evening, 12 midnight, 5 in the morning, and about thirty seconds ago when the internet cafe where I am sitting began to shake lightly and was frantically abandoned by its customers (me included) in a matter of seconds. None of the aftershocks have had nearly the power nor the duration of the initial quake however, and it seems likely that the threat has passed.

After spending the night on the soccer field, it began to rain at 5am, and I went back to my apartment, which was by that time open. I slept a few hours, but was woken up this morning by security guards who were emptying the building in anticipation of a predicted aftershock the afternoon- presumably the one I just felt. I think that I will be able to get back into my aparment this afternoon but this time when I left I packed a toothbrush, a change of socks and ample reading material, just in case.

Living In The Glass House

2008-08-22T23:35:00.000-07:00

Thank you for coming to the ChengDu Real Estate Autumn Fair. Your choice to spend your national holiday week perusing forthcoming condo developments is a testament to your elite social class and sophisticated cultural tastes. I see that you have found your way to the 4 th floor, top-quality housing name brands.

What am I doing inside of this elegant glass room in my bathrobe? Well I'm glad you've asked, or rather written it on the glass in broken English using one of the provided dry-erase markers. You see, this is the home of the future, a miracle of advanced technology and design. That's why I have a robotic vacuum cleaner and a beanbag chair in here.

I'm writing something on the glass now, pretty amazing huh? You might want to aggressively push through to the crowd to get a closer look at it. That's right, it says "hello" in Chinese. I am quite the phenom.

What else is that written on my side of the glass? Why that must be a response to an earlier question. I guess I was explaining the benefits of our gesture-activated climate, lighting and audio control system in a moment of spontaneity. As you can see I find it amazingly convenient and fashionable. Could I demonstrate the system right now by using it to turn off a light? No. But by gesturing to this projection of an ipod control-wheel you should be able to get the gist of it.

You want to take my picture? Feel free! Would you prefer the peace sign or the thumbs up? Squat down, pull up the sleeve and flex my muscle next to your girlfriend while she stands in front of the glass? No problem, smile included. Need to take another one, go right ahead, that flash usually bounces off the glass.

You've brought your son along with you, splendid. I'm sure he'll be fascinated to learn about our low waterflow toilets. I see that your little emperor has drawn a caricature of me on the glass—a striking likeness. If you have any candy or small change, please encourage him to try and throw it through the top of my glass enclosure. If possible, I will catch it in my mouth.

Question? Yes. Where do I coming from? Well, technically I live in the future, but originally I'm from the states. I'm sorry, I didn't get that last part, I have a hard time reading cursive backwards, maybe you could just write it in Chinese for me. Oh, the woman on the screen now, yes that it my girlfriend. Of course she can see me! How else would she know to hold her wine glass up to the screen when I am holding my wine glass up to the screen? But not you. She can't see you. So don't try to catch her attention or that of my friends while we are playing rock/paper/scissors. How does the communication technology work? Great question. Its kind of like the internet, kind of like TV, who knows for sure. It's definitely not just an LCD projector playing prerecorded footage, though. Oh, we're back to the windows menu now, whoops. Boss, can you throw on the video that teaches me magic? Great. Now where are my red foam balls?

Ah, you there, with the combover and the bad teeth. Thank you for drawing my attention back to you. A few loud knocks on the glass usually does the trick.
You would like my phone number. Well, why the hell not. Please feel free to call me immediately after saving it in your phone and continuously for the next 24 to 36 hours. If I don't answer the first six or seven times don't be dissuaded. Let's keep in touch. Maybe I can come and visit you in your glass house sometime in the future.

Pig Foot Soup

2008-08-22T23:11:00.000-07:00

Blog 3- Pig Foot Soup: Q&A

Having just finished dinner with a big bowl of it, I now find myself qualified to answer the burning questions that you have always wanted to- but have resisted for fear of seeming naive- ask about pig foot soup.
Q: Does pig foot soup really contain pig's feet?
A: Not feet, foot. Just one big one, sitting in a pool of brown liquid. What kind of naive fucking question is that anyway?
Q: Why would anyone order something like that?
A: Because it's a delicacy, of course! Or perhaps alternatively because you didn't completely comprehend the all-Chinese menu you were ordering from and you thought you were getting some sort of fragrant pork stew. Or maybe the waitress suggested it and you wanted to pretend like you understood what she was saying. The real question it seems, is how the pigs foot found its way into the soup to begin with, and how the soup snuck on to the menu.
Q: Do they leave the toe nails on the pig foot?
A: Good question. Yes, although it is natural for one or two nails to loosen up and fall off the foot while you're boiling the flavor out of that sucker. Don't worry, they are still in the soup, and you can find them if you fish around the bottom.
Q: Should I expect to see a number of cracked or chipped bones protruding through the pale rubbery skin of my pig's foot?
A: Absolutely, the more protruding bones the better. This means that the pig was a free spirit and suggests that it had a very strong qi.
A: What else can I expect to find in pig foot soup, aside from a pigs foot?
Q: I don't want to ruin the surprise by telling you what they are, but there are some prizes waiting for you under the leafy greens in the bottom of the bowl. One of them looks like a thick brown shoe lace, segmented ala sausage links. Another one is an amalgam of dark brown matter that is neither bone nor flesh.
Q: What sort of bone to meat ratio are we talking about here?
A: There is no meat on a pig's foot.
Q: How does one clean a dead pig's foot sufficiently to use it as a base for soup broth?
A: Yeah, if you figure that one out, you let me know...