Order

There is an order to everything. First I put on the felt pants and then, if I have at least a semi-clean one, an undershirt. The undershirt absorbs the sweat but also, I imagine, would make it less visible if my gut were to pop open a button on my white pirate shirt while I was lifting my arms dramatically. The white pirate shirt doesn't go on yet however, its too restrictive. Next I put on two pairs of socks, then the spats (leather leggings), then the boots (which are actually nondescript dress shoes). Its important that I remember to put on the second pair of socks (which I wear because the boots are uncomfortable) before the spats, because once spats are on, I cant really get to my foot because the spats have a flange that covers the shoe area and they reach all the way up to my knee, making it hard to bend. Spats, then shoes. Then comes the white pirate shirt. I tuck it in but don't button the cuffs. When I tuck it in, I am reminded to go pee, because once I knot up the drawstring on the felt pants, its not going to get untied again until after work, no matter how many times my treasure chest bumps into my bladder. Once the shirt is on, I usually do makeup, which for me consists of blackening my beard, soul patch (aka flavor saver), mustache and eye brows with mascara. Blackening the facial hair has surprisingly dramatic effect when coupled with the long curly black wig, which goes on next. Then the bandanna. In the beginning I had a lot of trouble tying the (polka dot) bandanna, because its hard to tie behind my head with the tangled curls of the captains hair (and wearing a dress shirt), especially in a rush situation. Though Ive gotten better at the blind-eye-tie, the wig has gotten rattier and more natted with time, and it takes a minute to get just right. But it is critical that the bandanna be tight, because a large portion of my schtick is taking my hat off and putting it on other people's heads, and if I pull the bandanna off by accident, the wig will come off too, and then the jig is up, so to speak. Then the jacket. The jacket is something to be proud of. Stiff red cloth with a subtle gold inlay, golden trim punctuated with large brass buttons down the chest. When I started they told me it cost 2500 bucks to make it- tailored to fit(!)- and I really relished hearing that. I treat the garment more casually now, but I still feel a transformation when I put it on. The heaviness of the cloth, the way the shoulders poke out, the way it billows around my legs, it reminds me to put on my game face. Sometimes after I put the jacket on, I put on the hat and raise my eyebrow in the mirror a couple times to warm up. Devilish grin, devilish grin. Then I wrap the long red sash around my waist twice and tie it behind me. On top of the sash goes a wide black leather belt into which is tucked a flintlock pistol on the left and a saber on the right. The pistol, wood and metal, is actually an oversized lighter (with no fuel) that lights when the trigger is pulled, and the saber is a plastic costume sword that came with cartoon stickers on the side. The current pistol is in some ways an improvement over the original, which was taken by some drunks in a club. The new one is bigger, which makes it more useful in pictures, but for the same reason, I find it hard to slide on and off of my waist all night. An interesting social observation: if you put give a drunk man a toy gun and try to take a picture with him, he will immediately point the gun at you or at the person who is taking the picture. I used to put the sword on the left and the gun on the right, but I broke several swords lifting my left leg (and bending the plastic too far), which striking the Captains pose requires. The props are really just for looking at anyway, Im prohibited by the Diageo Marketing Code from pointing them at anyone. So instead I give them to other people and get pointed at.