Training With The Captain

My training with the international captain went as well as I could have hoped. This guy is the top dog in the Captain Morgan impersonator pyramid, and he carries himself like he knows it. It would have been difficult for him to rub me the wrong way faster than with his first words- “wheres this kid from, Alabama or something?” – but it was suggested to me later that perhaps the captain was intentionally noogieing me to test my temper, and that may have been the case. Captain Dave arrived in KunMing with the directors of Diagio Shanghai and I tried to impress them by throwing around all of the acronyms and marketing jargon that I had absorbed so far. One thing I will say is that, despite my strong impulse to make fun of someone who takes playing a pirate so seriously, it is clear that the success that Captain Dave has had- and by extension that the brand has had- has a lot to do with the sincerity that he brings to the role. We sipped cappuccinos and discussed whether it was appropriate to use “argh.” I thought that it would seem too cliche, but apparently it is ok in moderate doses. Captain Dave’s visit culminated in his performance at a KTA (Keys To Adventure- the name of the branded events that we will be holding over the course of the launch) event to show me how it is done. Standardization has been key to franchising the Captain Morgan persona in different markets (Captain Dave has trained hundreds of lesser captains across the world), and I paid close attention at the KTA, following the captain throughout the club, noting his bodily language and facial expressions. After the show, as the captain was walking back to the van, dissecting the advantages and shortcomings of the venue, I approached him eagerly, offering my observations, “the booty bump was very successful, so was the kiss on the hand. It was also very well received when you put your hat with the customers…”

I have learned a few other things recently. 1. Diarrhea + squat toilet = great calf workout. 2. It dims my hope in the future of american-chinese relations when I see and an American shouting “Mp3, Mp3, sell me a goddamn Mp3,” to a confused Walmart sales associate.

In explaining my job in KunMing to my friends and family at home, one of the catchphrases that I often used was "in addition to the performing component, I will be doing some marketing and events management work," to make it seem like my job would be something more dignified and challenging than just dressing up in a pirate outfit (note from Captain Dave: “The Captain’s clothing is to be referred to as a uniform, never as a costume.”) One thing that has become clear to me over the past couple of days is that this was a total lie, and that the responsibility of managing the smooth execution of our events and marketing strategy lies wholly with my roommate and project manager, Rich. It is also clear to me now, that not only am I not responsible for doing that for this project, but that I would not have been able to do it had I been expected to, and that I significantly underestimated the complexity of what managing a project like this entails. Take for instance power supply- one of the details that has kept Rich on the phone all day- there is not enough of it in The Fennel Bar (funny name right?), where we are throwing our product launch kickoff extravaganza. They have a capacity of about 5 megawatts. We have one spotlight that requires 5 megawatts. So, some kind of powertruck is going to have to be finagled. But that is just the tip of the iceberg. There is the contracted to be signed with the local distributor, the contracts to be signed with the bar owners, the contract to be signed with the merchandise provider, the contract to be signed with the outdoor advertisers, and we need to make sure that the giant inflatable galleon being fabricated for the opening resembles an actually galleon and not a toyish interpretation of one.

Watching him jump back and forth between his three phones has made me feel a bit lazy compared with Rich. I told him the other day, “Im sorry that your job is so hard and mine is so easy.” He got very serious and said, “The captain and his affect on the customers is key to the success of this campaign, your job is very very important.” “No, I know my job is just as important as yours Rich, mine is just a fuckload easier.”